Define Lexophilia

The Wikipedia defines Lexophilia as the love of words and a Lexophile as a lover of words who generally appreciate the nuances surrounding different words. For me, a lot of the nuances are just plain hilarious puns.

Here’s a list that has been amassed from a variety of sources. Have fun laughing:

  • I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
  • Acupuncture – a jab well done.
  • The Police were called to a daycare where a 3 year old was resisting a rest.
  • Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
  • A bicycle moves slowly because it is two-tired.
  • When she saw her strands of gray hair, she thought she’d dye.
  • A pair of jumper cables were served in the local pub only after they promised not to start anything.
  • Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

  • To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
  • A will is a dead giveaway.
  • Did you hear about the guy whose left side was cut off? He’s all right now.
  • A backward poet writes inverse.
  • If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.
  • When you’ve seen one shopping center, you’ve seen a mall.
  • A chicken crossing the road – poultry in motion.
  • The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference.
  • If you don’t pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
  • The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
  • When the TV repairman got married, the reception was excellent.
  • A boiled egg is hard to beat.
  • When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
  • With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
  • A woman’s swoon may be more feint than faint.
  • Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft, and I’ll show you A-flat miner.
  • A short fortune teller who escaped from prison – a small medium at large.
  • A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France – resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.
  • You are stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
  • He broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
  • A plateau is a high form of flattery.
  • A calendar’s days are numbered.
  • Horses are alone in their class because they are always out standing in their fields.
  • A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
  • There was once a cross-eyed teacher who couldn’t control his pupils.
  • We will never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.
  • To some – marriage is a word … to others – a sentence.
  • A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.
  • He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
  • Considering the evidence, the jury concluded that the accused was not too bright.
  • Thieves who steal corn from a garden should be charged with stalking.
  • The grocery store clerk said you had to go to Office Depot to buy staples.
  • When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.
  • Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
  • The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.
  • There was a slight paws before the dog ran off.
  • A hangover is a wrath of grapes.
  • When the buyer failed to make payment on the Golden dog he bought, the breeder had to retriever.
  • The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
  • A man’s home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
  • If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.
  • A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
  • A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
  • Practice safe eating – always use condiments.
  • In a democracy, it’s your vote that counts – in feudalism, it’s your Count that votes.
  • She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.
  • A baker backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
  • Shotgun wedding – a case of wife or death.
  • No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
  • A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

I though I would give everyone who is reading a chance to catch their breath before continuing. Well, here we go again:

  • Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor-play.
  • Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
  • Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
  • A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
  • When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
  • Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
  • Atheists don’t solve exponential equations because they don’t believe in higher powers.
  • What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing, but it let out a little whine.
  • A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his aunt telephoned to ask how he was, the nurse said, ‘No change yet.’
  • Don’t join dangerous cults – practice safe sects.
  • When two egoists meet, it’s an I for an I.
  • Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One said to the other, ‘you stay here, I’ll go on a head.’
  • It’s not that the man did not know how to juggle – he just didn’t have the balls to do it.
  • What do you get when you mate a shitzu and a bull dog – bullshit.
  • A sing on the lawn of a drug rehab center said – “keep of the grass.”
  • In school, the class trapeze artist with an attitude was always suspended.
  • CrossDresser – a guy who likes to eat, drink, and be Mary.
  • Air pollution is a mist-demeanor.
  • Six is afraid of Seven because Seven Eight Nine.
  • For a while, Houdini used a lot of trap doors in his act, but he was just going through a stage.
  • Editing is a re-wording activity.
  • Two atoms are walking down the street and one says to the other, “Are you all right?” “No, I lost an electron!” “Are you sure?” “Yeah, I’m positive!”
  • I couldn’t quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.
  • A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
  • The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
  • Reading while sun-bathing makes you well-red.
  • A lot of money is tainted – ‘taint yours and ‘taint mine
  • A prisoner’s favorite punctuation mark is the period because it marks the end of his sentence.
  • When William joined the army he disliked the phrase ‘fire at will’.
  • Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
  • Let’s talk about rights and lefts. You were right so I left.
  • The poor guy fell into a glass grinding machine and made a spectacle of himself.
  • Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of defeat.
  • I’ve been to the dentist several times so I know the drill.
  • I get my large circumference from too much pi.
  • Women who wear $200.00 perfume obviously are known to have no common scents.
  • To many girls the word ‘marriage’ has a nice ring to it.
  • He dropped a computer on his toes and had megahertz.

There are thousands out there, probably millions, and I got so tired of collecting and sorting them that I have decided to stop here. I hope you enjoyed these little gems. Of course, please feel free to add your own in the comments.

9 thoughts on “Define Lexophilia”

  1. And here, I will keep adding any more that I encounter, and if these become many, then I will simply update the post :)

    Here we go:
    – Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender asks, “Olive or twist?”
    – “Sigh!”, said the egg in the monastery, “From the frying pan into the Friar”

  2. Hi,

    Thoroughly enjoyed reading your blog..!
    Good Work!

    One more to the collection above.

    Nuts Screws Washers and Bolts!

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